Should I Choose a Male or Female Therapist? How to Find the Right Fit for You

When people ask me how to find a therapist, they sometimes follow with, Should I choose a male or female therapist? This is a perfectly natural question, maybe especially if you’ve never been to therapy.

For starters, should you choose a therapist of a particular gender? Spoiler: There’s no should here—only your determining what feels right for you.

So, if it helps you sort through it, I write below about why choosing a particular gender might feel very important to you for various reasons, plus some other qualities that might ultimately shape your decision when looking for your right-fit therapist.

Why gender might matter to you

Wanting to work with a therapist of a particular gender may matter a great deal to you and is a perfectly valid consideration in your search. Here are some thoughts on why the question Should I choose a female or male therapist? is often asked and why it’s okay to ask it.

1. Comfort & safety

If you’ve had even one lived experience with a particular gender that was problematic or harmful, it makes perfect sense that you would not choose to work with any provider of that gender.

2. Possible shared experiences & relatability

On the other hand, some people look for providers of the same gender because they believe they will better understand their lived experiences, challenges, or issues or feel more relatable.

3. Cultural or family influences

Messages (implicit or explicit) from family and culture might draw you toward—or repel you away from—a therapist of a particular gender.

4. Non-binary or fluid identity

If you don’t identify as gender-binary, you might not want to enlist a therapist who does. It might feel way too limiting to not explore someone with more expansive gender-identification.

5. A challenge or different perspective

Some people intentionally choose a therapist of a different gender with the thought that they will help them relate to others in new ways or broaden their perspectives.

Whatever decision you make about the gender of your potential therapist, make it based on your feeling comfortable enough in therapy to try new things and safe enough to engage in the therapeutic process. Your choice based on your feelings is you exercising your agency. And your feeling comfortable and safe enough is paramount to your moving forward and making changes.

What else to consider in choosing a therapist

Yes, I’ve written the word gender many times so far. And while it’s certainly one factor in choosing to work with a therapist (or any provider), it is only one part of why you might find us relatable, helpful, and good in our work with you.

Here are some other qualities to keep in mind during your search:

• Personality & communication style: Encouraging and nurturing, or direct and structured?

• Therapeutic approach: Behavioral-, body-, or thought-based work? Mindfulness or hypnosis? Multiple or singular approaches?

• Specialties & experience: For help with things like trauma, depression anxiety, relationships, or grief and loss, (to name just a few) pay attention to the therapist’s training and expertise.

• Overall connection: Most of us offer you a free consultation – anywhere from 10 or 15 minutes to one hour! Make the most of this offer! When you’re on these consultation calls Do you feel heard, respected, and supported? Are you vibing? Does it feel right?

My plug for myself, a female therapist who works with men in relationships

As a female therapist who works with men on relationship issues, I understand that some men may question choosing a woman. One of my strengths is being able to offer my clients a new and different perspective—one that helps them better understand their partners while also feeling heard and supported in their own experiences.

My goal is not to align with one gender ‘over’ another, but to support you and help you identify and correct your relationship pitfalls and then apply the work, so you learn to create greater confidence and connection in your relationship—a win-win for you and your partner.

No shoulds—you get to choose

As I wrote in How to Find the Right Therapist for Individual Therapy in Minnesota, there are multiple factors to consider in finding a therapist. And there’s no way around the fact that it takes effort and time.

So, as you consider the gender of your therapist and all the other things of importance, you may even want to give yourself permission to try a few sessions before making a final decision. It’s okay if your first impression from a consultation felt ‘right’, but the actual therapy experience felt different, and you need to make a change. It happens. (And, your preferences may have changed—and that’s okay too.)

Bottom line, there is no shoulding here. And remember, trust yourself. So, choose female, gender-fluid, male, or non-binary—your right-fit therapist is the one that feels right for you.

Let’s talk

If you're looking for therapy that helps you challenge unhelpful patterns and build deeper and stronger connections with your partner, let's talk.