Criticism in a relationship—even when it’s meant to be constructive—sure can land hard! And automatic impulses to explain, defend, or justify make perfect sense as they’re human responses. But they’re not relational or connecting.

Thankfully there are ways to meet these moments that help you stay grounded and connected—even when the feedback is hard to hear. Knowing how to handle criticism in a relationship is something you can learn to do and even do well.

Have you ever had someone say, “I’m fine,” but their tone, posture, or energy told you they were anything but? That’s communication. Maybe you've given the silent treatment, shut down in an argument, or avoided a difficult conversation altogether (only to find that the tension grew stronger). That’s communication too. We can’t not communicate.

When people ask me how to find a therapist, they sometimes follow with, Should I choose a male or female therapist? This is a perfectly natural question, maybe especially if you’ve never been to therapy. Spoiler: There’s no should here—only your determining what feels right for you.

Your partner wanted to talk and has started to share her thoughts. You’re there. You’re facing her. And then you hear, “You’re not listening to me.” And now Wait, what?! zings through your brain. Feel confused? Frustrated? Maybe even somewhat defensive? I am listening! What just happened?!

It takes two to make a relationship—a complex, ongoing, never-ending series of interactions between two intimate humans. And one partner can make a difference. Because, the thing is, personal growth does make a difference in a relationship’s well-being.

The best relationships don’t just happen. They are shaped by the energy we invest in them. While moments of ease and harmony are possible, they are the result of ongoing effort—for example, listening well, expressing needs with kindness, and repairing when things go awry. The work is not always easy, but it creates the foundation for something lasting and strong! Without effort there is no ease.