Why Individual Therapy Can Help Even When Your Partner Doesn’t Join You
It takes two to make a relationship—a complex, ongoing, never-ending series of interactions between two intimate humans. And one partner can make a difference. Because, the thing is, personal growth does make a difference in a relationship’s well-being.
The value of personal growth in relationship dynamics
That’s right—you came into your current relationship with your life history. You brought your habits, biases and perspectives, patterns, and past life experiences—all for better or for worse. So did your partner. And so it holds true that all the intertwining of and interactions between the two of you are complex. And here’s what’s cool—when even one of you chooses to work on personal growth, it opens the door for some exciting things to happen between you!
Benefits for you
But first, know that therapy can help you see things in a new light and grow in ways you might not expect. Therapy will help you get fresh perspectives and valuable insights.
You’ll learn to
Understand your own needs, behaviors, and triggers
Respond to conflict (being calm and clear) rather than reacting to it (being impulsive)
Communicate your needs respectfully and kindly
Feel more confident and like yourself during interactions
So, even if you’re going solo in therapy, the changes you choose to make can transform your connection, communication, and trust. What would it be like to be ‘that couple’ whom your family and friends look to when they look for role models? That couple could be you. Awesome.
Objections to going solo
I get it. Even if you two aren’t each other’s biggest fans right now, you still didn’t imagine you might be doing therapy alone. So maybe you have some of these concerns about going solo to therapy?
Worry about your therapist putting you ‘in the spotlight’ and blaming you for all the wrongs in your relationship
Frustration or anger that your partner “made you go” to therapy alone
Let down that your partner isn’t interested in making changes with you at this time
How does it make sense to go to therapy alone to work on a relationship—like, how would that even work?
That’s all fair. First, as the expression goes, it takes two. It is never the case that one partner is flawless and faultless (i.e., all good or right) and the other is defective and inadequate (i.e., all bad or wrong). So, no, your therapist will never blame you for all the wrongs in your relationship.
And that your partner ‘sends’ or chooses not to join you, well, that’s their agency. Just as you have the agency to choose therapy or not. It might feel sucky to be solo right now—but I encourage you to give it a try. And who knows? Maybe in the future your partner will choose to work on their own personal growth? (Because no one wants to be left behind.) Or maybe couple therapy will come soon after?
And for the last one, the how? Read on.
How individual therapy strengthens relationships
Over time, if even ‘small things’ are not addressed, they can lead to your relational foundation cracking and crumbling. Living on a deteriorating foundation isn’t comfortable, safe, or ‘pretty’. Choosing to do your work on your own growth can start to repair some of those cracks. And don’t wait until you have to do major repairs.
So when even one of you chooses to work on personal growth, your foundation can stabilize, making it easier to build something awesome together!
Communication: When you learn to express yourself clearly, respectfully, and honestly, you can transform what happens between you.
Listening: When you practice listening more deeply and without the intent to fix, see Communication above—you can transform your relationship.
Repairing: Most of us have never seen repairs in our relationship models. When you start to make repairs with your partner early and often, you may even begin to heal some old wounds.
Increased self-awareness: Becoming more self-aware can help you be more other-aware. You can start to lead with patience and thoughtfulness and make communication and conversations more relaxed and less stressful.
So, you’re taking the lead in breaking cycles and patterns that haven’t been useful for a while and creating new ones that will serve you, your partner, and your relationship! And the overall result is that how you interact with each other will feel easier, less fraught, and more connecting and open to possibilities.
How I support individual men in therapy
Therapy isn’t about fixing yourself—you were never broken. Our messages to you have been broken. I know you’ve learned in your home, at school or work, or from society at large—either overtly or subtly and on the regular—that you needed to keep your emotions to yourself. And especially the emotions that are considered ‘soft’. Again, that sucks.
If you have felt or believed you were never ‘allowed’ to talk about your struggles in your relationships (we all have these struggles!) or your deep feelings about certain things, how can you know how to do or be good at practicing those things?
In therapy, I offer a judgment-free space for exploring that burdensome backpack of junk you’ve been carrying. Therapy won’t make those sucky messages go away, but it will make it easier for you to stand in your truth of who you are and be your full self.
Ready to get started?
If you’ve been wondering about therapy and looking around, let’s talk at your free, no-obligation consultation. Individual therapy can be just where you need to be to take an honest look at what’s working, what’s not, and what you can do to build something new with your partner.
