Why She Says You’re Not Listening—And What to Do About It
Your partner wanted to talk and has started to share her thoughts. You’re there. You’re facing her. And then you hear, “You’re not listening to me.” And now Wait, what?! zings through your brain. Feel confused? Frustrated? Maybe even somewhat defensive? I am listening! What just happened?!
It may feel like it’s only happening in your relationship, but this disconnect is rather common. And it is confusing and frustrating. And, to be clear, your partner is not ‘being irrational’ or demanding. What it can boil down to is your different approaches to ‘having a conversation’ and expectations around listening. Let’s take a closer look.
Why couples run into this
Often for men, listening is a signal for them to understand that someone is bringing facts to the table and to ask themselves, Do I understand these facts? Often almost immediately followed by, How can I fix this, how can I make it better? And, let’s be clear, there is nothing wrong with this either.
So, if your partner starts by sharing her story about a hard day and all the things that made it a not-so-great day for her, she wants to decompress with you. There’s a hope that you will be in the shit with her for a bit. She wants to know, Do you get where I’m coming from? And Can you acknowledge the suckiness of my day?
So, if your first response—even though it might feel you’re being logical and helpful—is to tell her to do something else, do the thing differently, talk to ‘someone in charge’, or whatever, unless she has specifically asked for a fix at this time, you might be setting yourself up to hear You’re not listening to me! And it’s not going to go over well. And it won’t feel good for either of you.
What you can try instead—for the win-win!
When she feels ‘felt’ or understood, it will be a win for both of you! She wants to know and experience, He hears my pain, he gets my pain, he gets me.
Sharpen your listening skills with fresh tools. Go for the win-win and practice the skills below. These are powerful and can make a world of difference for both of you.
Validate >> Refer to above—acknowledge the suckiness of her day. Experiment with “That sounds miserable.” Or, “I totally hear how this day sucked for you.”
Be curious >> Instead of assuming you get why she’s sharing in the first place, go ahead and ask. Try, “What do you need from me right now? Would you like me to just listen, or would you like to hear my thoughts?” Or, “I won’t assume I get it all. Tell me more.”
Be present >> How you show up matters. Come into the physical space with her—this isn’t for telling across the room. Turn your body toward her. Let her see your face and eyes. Focus on her—not on a phone, TV, or other distractions. Let her know you are there for her.
No one is born with good listening skills. So, take heart and experiment and practice. Over time, see if you notice a difference in how you’re connecting.
What to avoid
These are the lose-lose ways of showing up. Your partner loses. And you lose. So, before it comes to that, practice catching yourself if you find yourself starting to respond in one of these ways.
Defensive: “I am listening!”
I know better than you do / I can fix this: “You should [fill in the blank].”
Dismissive: “Why did that bother you?” (with judgment) Or, “That’s no big deal.” Or, “That’s like my day every day.”
The good news
So, if you hear, “You’re not listening to me!”, shift your stance. You now know to consider this as information that your partner doesn’t feel understood by or connected to you. And with this information, you can take action—validate, be curious, be present—and show her you hear and support her. Experiment and see if it doesn’t get you the win-win!
Want more insights on communication and connecting in relationships? Let’s talk.
Disclaimer
This post is written from a heteronormative perspective. I recognize that the ways I describe how men listen and what women hope for are generalizations, not absolutes. These insights come from my lived and learned experiences, including what I observe in my work with both men and women. I write from this perspective because I primarily work with men in traditional, heterosexual relationships.
